Now that Steven Gerrard is out for the season with a groin injury, he's had the time to try and convince Liverpool owner John Henry to make caretaker manager Kenny Dalglish the club's permanent gaffer. The following is a transcript of how we imagine Gerrard's most recent attempt went.
Henry: Steven, how are you? I was sorry to hear about your injury.
Gerrard: I'm great. I've been finding cures for homelessness and dominating at board games. What have you been doing?
Henry: Just business as usual. What can I do for you?
Gerrard: There's a lot you can do for me. I was just talking to my court-ordered house guest Andy Carroll while we ate Mickey Mouse French toast in our pajamas this morning and I was like, "Liverpool should make Kenny Dalglish the permanent manager because he's a great manager and he's like an old and Scottish version of me." And he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, that's the greatest idea ever and I'm not just saying that because you make delicious Bugs Bunny shaped French toast for us to eat." And I was like, "Actually, it's Mickey Mouse shaped." And he was like "..." and I was like "..."
Henry: Uh, well, Kenny has done a tremendous job for us. But between you and me, we are looking at other candidates just to be thorough in our decision making process.
Gerrard: Exactly. I was just telling my daughters that. I was like, "The owners better be thorough in their decision making process before giving Kenny a new contract because that's what I would do and I'm a champion at businessing." And they were like "Oh Steven Gerrard, we're pretty sure 'businessing' isn't a word. And why didn't Andy Carroll leave any Mickey Mouse French toast for us?" And I was like "..." and they were like "..."
Henry: Again, between you and me, we've had advanced discussions with Porto's manage- why do your daughters call you Steven Gerrard?
Gerrard: Villas Boas is okay, but have you talked to me about being Liverpool's manager yet?
Henry: Um, no.
Gerrard: Well you should, because I know I'm going to be a legendary manager and they'll probably make me the new pope when they see how many trophies I win.
Henry: That's not how popes are chosen. I do appreciate your input, though, Steven. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Gerrard: Yeah, like I said before there's a lot you can do for me. I was conversing with Jay Spearing last week and I was like, "It would be so nice if Mr. Henry had Phil Collins come out of retirement so he could sing to me in the dressing room, but instead of him singing he'd ask me to sing all songs because he's heard that I have the voice of a masculine angel." And Jay Spearing was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, that's best idea I've ever heard in my young life, but who is Phil Collins?" And I was like "!!!" and he was like "..."
Henry: Okay. So. If there isn't anything else...
Gerrard: There is something else -- you have to give me a cupcake. Now which desk drawer do you keep them in?
Henry: ...
Gerrard: ...
Henry: I don't keep cupcakes in my desk. But I'm sure we could get you some.
Gerrard: Yes!
Photos: Getty Images
No comments:
Post a Comment