Well hello there.
I see you've caught me celebrating my latest goal by giving you a peek at my midsection. You're welcome.
Ha-HA! Yes, I know you didn't say "thank you," but I'm also keenly aware that at this very moment, you're wondering what you would have to do to get the Premier League's leading scorer and preeminent forearm tattoo model to spend a romantic evening eating leftovers at Manchester's finest sewage treatment plant with you. Well, my dear, the truth is that I haven't decided what you would have to do just yet. But it most definitely does not involve you pointing a can of mace at my mouth and eyes as you are so sensually doing right now. ... You're only thinking about how much you want to mace me? Well, I must ask that you refrain from doing so until I've at least gotten completely naked. Ha-HA!
It seems that, like whoever excluded me from the PFA Player of the Year shortlist, you are still unaware of just how desirable The Berba is to ladies of all shapes and species. So, I will now list all 1,700 of my Berba-bilities that make me better than, say, anyone else. 1) I am the Premier League's leading scorer of erotic goals. 2) My widow's peak deserves to be in a museum. 3) I currently have mayonnaise on 47% of my body. 4) ...
Oh-OHHH! You pretended that you were going to mace me, but instead you just rolled your eyes at me in a way that is exponentially more hurtful! Oh, I still had at least 10 thousand more Berba-bilities to woo you with! ... Yes, mathematics was not one of them.� But toe massages were.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of....The Continental....
Photo: Getty Images
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